Rinse and Repeat

Over the last few days I have been working on polishing up my projects for my portfolio. This has been a strange process. Its not that I can’t do the work, I can, its more of going through the mental exercise that is weirding me out.

Let me explain.

My code is emotional for me. There, I said it. But it kinda is. One of these nights recently, I read about how coding is just another form of writing. I probably read this around 2 am in the morning, but it instantly resonated with me. Going back over some of my old code is like reading through a diary. A diary written during a time when I was learning how to write. It can be painful, interesting, and enlightening all at the same time. But overall, it is weird to be so emotionally attached to the process of it all.

Cause not only is reading the actual code weird, but remembering how I felt when I wrote it is way more weird. I remember feeling so nervous, and exhausted and freaked out. I remember thinking…“how in the world did I think I could do this”? Even though I have grown from that place, and I know that I can do things that just a couple of months ago I couldn’t do….emotionally I just pick up where I left off.

These are the moments when I wonder if there is anyone else feeling like this. Can anybody hear me?

In the meantime, I have had to go back to basics. Rinse and repeat. Write code everyday. Every single day. Learn something new everyday. Every single day. Its the only way that I can see that I will build up the confidence in my own code, in my own writing. Cause I like the idea of being a writer. Albeit, I would be a cool futuristic kind of writer, where the words I write transforms and changes things. When I think about it that way….going back to that emotional place is not so bad.

In the end, I get to be a Jedi-master-futuristic-time-traveling-changing-the universe-as-I-type kind of writer. That is worth a little rinse and repeat.