I Can See Clearly Now (that I’m done with BlackJack!)

I thought that by the time I finished my Ruby Blackjack game, I would be running through the hills, singing of course.

Or, at the very least, I would have a badass finale post. I would write about how I championed over my bad code, beat it to the ground, covered up its tracks, and came out with something that works.
And–don’t get me wrong, I am sooooooo happy that it works, and that I am done. But now that I have finally moved past that obstacle, I realized that I feel differently than I thought. I think its cause…

I fell a little more in love with code this weekend.

Finishing up blackjack definitely had something to do with it. Mostly I think it was seeing that code that I wrote was working. That makes me feel like all of my hours with my head in my hands was not completely in vain. But also, I felt what it feels like to achieve something significant.

And I haven’t felt that feeling in a long time.

I always worked hard at whatever job I had in the past. And most of those positions required that I take on lots of responsibility. But I never felt this sense of achievement. This sense of knowing that I have upgraded from where I was. And if I did, it was usually trial by fire, and involved post traumatic stress.

The last few weeks have made me doubt whether or not I was doing the right thing. But I think that doubt was really my vulnerability showing, and reminding me what it felt like to start at the beginning. The truth is, it has been quite some time since I was a true beginner at anything, and I became used to the comfort of familiarity and expertise.

This little victory, reminded me why I started down this path in the first place. Somewhere along my path, my intentions of the life that I wanted, and the life that I was leading broke away from each other. I always knew that I was a bit more innovative than convention usually allowed, and way too curious to be content with mediocracy. When I was pursuing my anthropology masters, I wanted to be a freelancer and practitioner. By the time I graduated, I was a married homeowner with student debt (lots) and I didn’t think that I could take that risk.

Now I am learning how to code, and I can see the possibility of work that challenges me, and makes me learn, without (necessarily) warming a seat from 8 to 5. This time, I won’t give up so easily on finding the right path for me.

I have felt the heaviness in my chest on a monday morning when I don’t want to get up, get dressed, and commute to do something I can do in my sleep, for too many years.

Now that I can see the light on the other side, I plan on continuing to walk in that direction. For my own sanity, for my own sake.

But for now…I am just grateful for the oasis that happened for me this afternoon, when I found out that I have some smarts after all.